Having the Difficult Conversation

I have been having this conversation a lot lately so I wanted to pass my thoughts along to you guys in hopes that they will help.

I don't think a parent ever imagines when they start their little girl in t-ball that one day she will have to have that "difficult conversation" with her coach. Inevitably it always comes up. I think a parent hopes that their child will always be good enough that she won't have to. However, it always becomes an important part of a little girl's career, no matter what her performance level. Whether it is playing time, or playing time at a certain position, sooner or later if she wants to progress in her career she has to talk with her coach one on one.

The first time I had to talk with one of my coaches one on one was when I was entering the tenth grade. I had just turned fifteen and realized I had committed myself too much to softball to be able to play that and basketball. I called my basketball coach and met him at the school. I immediately started crying and blubbering about how I had to quit to follow my dreams. I thought he would be mad at me. Even possibly yell. He smiled at me, gave me a big hug, and told me how he completely understood because he wanted me to follow my dreams too.  I truly believe that this encounter empowered me to talk to all of my coaches throughout my career.

Fast forward to my junior year of college. While I have had many playing time talks with coaches, this one became the most meaningful of my career. The second weekend of the season we travelled down to the University of Central Florida to play in a tournament. The second game of the day we were matched to play the University of South Carolina. As our Ace pitcher, I expected to pitch that game. I remember walking up to the line up card to see where I was hitting, no doubt in my mind I was pitching. Not only was my name not in the lineup, it wasn't in the field either. All I could think about was how hard I had worked that off season. All the countless hours spent alone trying to get better for my team, and I couldn't even use that work to help them that night. Needless to say I was frustrated and angry. I waited until the weekend was over and went to the field house to talk to my coach.

After talking to him and hearing his reasoning I felt a million times better. I instantly regretted the negative thoughts that had circled around my head. Besides feeling better, our relationship grew immensely. Anytime there was trouble on the team he would ask my opinion. I felt like I could talk to him about anything, and it gave me the confidence to thrive on the field. I knew I had his blessing, so I became less worried about impressing him and more worried about enjoying the game and winning. I am positive that if we had not had this conversation I would not have felt the freedom I did to perform.

Is your daughter frustrated with her playing time or her lack of playing time at a certain position? The key word there is your daughter. If she is perfectly happy enjoying the time with her friends and doesn't even notice she is not in the game, then you as a parent have to leave it alone. Even if it drives you crazy. But if she is frustrated, it is time to encourage her to speak to the coach.

When your daughter speaks to her coach alone, it is a big step forward in her maturity. At some point in her life she has to learn to speak to adults confidently. What better way? It also strengthens her relationship with the coach. Who better to have a solid relationship with than the one helping her progress in the sport she loves? As a coach, there is no greater respect than for players that are willing to tell you what they are thinking, feeling, and wanting. How else can the coach know? Coaches can't read your daughter's mind, so how can they know she is unhappy if she doesn't tell them? The coach is not intentionally trying to prevent your daughter from doing what she loves. It is the opposite. So help the coach help your daughter. Have the difficult conversation, and after a couple of times it's just a conversation.

This One's for the Dads

When I was a senior in high school I remember getting a text message from my dad in the middle of English class. It read, "call me asap," so, naturally, I immediately left class to find out what was wrong. When he answered the phone he said, "Hey, so I found out what is wrong with your swing," and I responded, "Dad I went three for four last night," and he said, "Yeah, but on that one you could have hit it better." I do not think there is a better story to describe our relationship when it came to softball. He was always striving for perfection in my swing. I was always content with an above .500 night. Would I be the player I had been if he had not strived for that perfection? Absolutely not. 

After every game I would walk to my parents directly after the huddle. Good or bad. When it was good I was on top of the world and anxious to hear their thoughts. When it was bad I was at my most vulnerable and not particularly up for talking. I invested so much time in this sport, so when I failed it felt like a direct reflection on myself. It never failed that my dad would say, "Good job. I am proud of you." This small phrase was all I needed in the bad times. What he said is what I think parents today forget to say. It is what helped keep my time on the softball field about me. I wanted the success for myself, not him.   

I see it too often when I am working with little girls these days. After every pitch their eyes cut over to the chairs outside of the cage. The eagerness to please their parents is evident from the moment they walk in. Even just a simple comment like "come on" or "focus" deflates a girl who is so anxious to something that is so new to her.

The frustrating part of the learning curve is that these are young athletes. Their attention span is not developed yet. For parents, that can be very frustrating. They understand it, so they feel their daughters should be able to as well. It is one thing to understand, but a whole other to be able to feel and apply it to their body mechanics.

So what is the fine line? How do you motivate your daughter without crushing her? The answer is positivity. On the outside you see a tough girl with dirt on her cheeks, a skinned knee, and a whelp on her leg from practicing bringing her glove down to the right place, but on the inside is still your little girl trying her hardest to win you over. Trying her hardest to show you she can do it. Trying her hardest to prove to you as well as herself that she has what it takes. Don't cut her down by telling her she isn't trying. She is.

Does My Daughter Have What it Takes?

Does my daughter have what it takes? I cannot tell you how many times I am asked this as a pitching coach, and my answer is always the same: how badly does she want it?

When I think back on my own career I cannot thank my parents enough for not asking this question. My first ever tournament ball try out I was told I was "behind" the other nine and ten year olds. The coach told me I needed ten thousand throws and catches by the season to catch up. So, my mom set up a schedule for me. If we did one hundred throws and catches a night I would be caught up. So every night we went under the street light and threw one hundred times until she could not catch me anymore. 

The negative responses to my ability did not stop there. I decided to try out for the best team in the state for my first year of 12U. One of the assistant coaches told my parents, "she is just not tournament material." As an eleven year old girl, of course my feelings were hurt. Softball was everything I loved, and I was being told by someone who knew a lot about the game that I did not have what it takes. Luckily, the head coach did not listen, and I made the team. I remember all that winter thinking about what that coach had said about me. Every time my dad and I went out to the batting cage I thought about it. By my second season I was the team's ace pitcher.

In both of these situations I could have believed what the coach, who knew a lot about softball, said and quit softball. What stopped me? I loved it. I really wanted it. I had a goal in my mind and I wanted it badly. 

So what is my suggestion for your daughter? Ask her how much she wants it. When someone: player, coach, parent says something negative about her help her use it. In my opinion, there is no better motivation.